Judge Parker Can Kiss My Fat White Butt
So, if you follow Virginia wine and/or Virginia agricultural happenings, I’m sure you’ve heard about the court case between Marterella Winery and their HOA. If you haven’t, here is the story in a nutshell: the Marterellas purchased property directly across the street from Mediterranean Cellars, with the intention of running a vineyard, winery, and tasting room. While the Marterellas assumed that since their neighbors could run a winery and tasting room, they could too, their HOA (the Bellevue Landowners’ Council, or BLOC) felt otherwise, and sued to shut them down. The jury decided that BLOC acted unfairly in attempting to shut them down; Judge Parker then set aside their verdict, and ruled against the Marterellas. Now, I’ve heard a number of rumors about the whole fiasco from other wine folks in Virginia, some laying some blame at the Marterellas, some laying blame at BLOC. I won’t get into these, because a) I cannot substantiate these rumors, and b) I really don’t want to get sued. That would suck. However, being the maladjusted malcontent with anti-authoritarian tendencies that I am, I certainly have opinions on the whole thing.
First, on the micro level (this case in particular): HOAs are instruments devised by Lucifer, by which normal, rational people are made to suffer for the sins of having souls and NOT torturing kittens. I honestly believe that many of the folks who serve on HOA boards are socially maladapted weasels who think honking at old women in crosswalks is effing hilarious. I’m sure that I’m missing something- probably a nuance, loophole, or legal technicality- but I’m at a loss as to why the folks at Mediterranean (who make some damn nice wines, fwiw) can do it, and Marterella can’t. From my dealings with HOAs, I can only assume that they failed to complete all sections of Form 743, in triplicate, witnessed by three board members, two neighbors, three magi, two turtledoves, and a partridge in a pear tree.
However, what’s most concerning for the wine community in general is the fact that Judge Parker may be setting a precedent in the interpretation of “agriculture” in the state of Virginia. In his (stupid) ruling, hizzonnor took the position that the sale of wine by the glass is a commercial enterprise, incompatible with agriculture. But, wine is an agricultural product… right?
Here’s where we can thank our legislative critters for making a bloody mess of the laws relating to agricultural activities. As an example, let’s take bacon. Who doesn’t like bacon? (Shoot, even vegans make mock bacon- what does THAT tell you?) Pigs are animals, raised on a farm. Therefore, pigs are an agricultural product. Pork is made from pigs, and while it cannot be butchered on the farm (more on this later), it can be sold by the farmer. Still an agricultural product. Now, pork is good, but bacon is yummy. Let’s cure some pig and sell the bacon at the farm, since this is an agricultural product. WRONG! You’re going to court for that one! Bacon is a manufactured product. Sorry, your farm is zoned agricultural, not light industrial. You damn lawbreaker, you.
So you may think that this makes no sense. Unfortunately, these laws are put in place to protect us from big agribusiness, which has no soul or compassion or conscience (I bet they serve on their HOA boards at home). We couldn’t trust MegaPig, Inc. not to plop a big old factory in the middle of bucolic, agriculturally-zoned Rappahannock County to cure and package bacon, so therefore NO ONE can do it there. Never mind if it’s a small-scale farmer doing miniscule amounts per year. It’s the same reason that on-farm slaughter is illegal: we can’t trust the big guys to do it in a manner that won’t kill every child or immune-compromised adult in the state, so how could we trust a farmer selling his meats to someone he knows- someone who he’d feel bad about sending to the emergency room? Joel Salatin has it right: you can’t legislate morality. It takes producers and consumers having actual relationships to have safe, quality food.
Which brings us back to small-scale, local agriculture in general, and the Virginia wine industry specifically. There’s a reason all my trucks have “Buy Fresh, Buy Local” stickers on them. In addition to all the economic reasons, accountability is the best reason to support local agriculture. If I buy a bottle of mass-market California wine at Total Wine and it sucks, I’m out my fifteen bucks. If I’m pissed about how bad it was, maybe I’ll take it back. I may get a refund; I may not. Regardless of the outcome, the only people who now know the wine sucks are the clerk and maybe the manager (and maybe the other shoppers, if I’m in a mood). The winemaker? No idea. The owner of the winery? What, are you thick? No way. So hundreds of other bottles of that crap wine continue to go out the door, and maybe 2% of buyers care enough to complain. A statistical blip, as far as their marketing experts are concerned.
On the other hand, let’s say I buy a bottle from a local winery, and it’s horrible. I take it back to the winery, and there’s a good chance they’ll make it right. There’s also a very good chance that the winemaker, the owner, or both will be made aware. They’re quite likely going to want to immediately figure out what went wrong. Was it just that bottle, or a whole lot? Their market is significantly smaller, and reputation is everything. They’re going to do everything they can to make sure that they’re only sending out the best representations of their craft. You think Beringer feels the same way?
Do you feel like we’re now a million miles away from buying a glass of wine from Kate Marterella? I feel like Fezzini in the Princess Bride. “You’d like to think that, wouldn’t you?”
The fact of the matter is that wine is a product created from grapes (or other fruit), which are an agricultural product. If you want to tell me that grapes are an ag product, but their juice is not, you’re either a moron or you think I’m one. As good as Virginia wine is getting, its best chance of continuing to grow as an industry is to encourage more people to visit the actual wineries. We look on our wine racks and see not just the bottles, but memories of the trips we’ve taken to the tasting rooms, the chats we’ve had with the owners and winemakers. If people are going to travel to a winery and taste wines, and hopefully buy some, where is the harm if they also buy a glass of wine? Judge Parker is way off base here, and I hope every farmer and supporter of Virginia agriculture lets him know. Maybe Fauquier County can change their signs to read “Preserving agriculture in a business-friendly community as long as restrictive HOAs believe it’s ok.”
Speaking of Fauquier County, I got an email from the folks at Barrel Oak Winery last week. Without making this post a heck of a lot longer, I’ll just say that apparently they’re taking heat from the county supervisors about whether they’re actually just a bar, masquerading as an agricultural enterprise. Now, I understand that the number one responsibility of any county supervisor is to jam as many rooftops into the county as possible, preferably sticking the taxpayers with the lions’ share of the infrastructure, but they need to look around and realize that open space is actually an asset to a community- especially one that claims to preserve agriculture. Barrel Oak makes wine. People go there and drink their wine. Get a grip.
Anyhow, why don’t you take a ride out to Marterella and decide for yourselves if they’re actually an agricultural enterprise?
The Judge Parker Can Kiss My Fat White Butt by Swirl, Sip, Snark, unless otherwise expressly stated, is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.
THANK YOU for this post! As a Maryland resident who loves to visit Virginia wineries, I’m glad to see someone speaking out in favor of farm wineries. Apparently, some local and county “decisionmakers” would prefer that I spend my money somewhere, anywhere, OTHER than in their jurisdictions. Sounds pretty irrational to me! These wineries make great wines and provide me with opportunities for great local outings. I support Barrel Oak and Marterella 100%, and intend to keep spending money at both wineries, in defiance of those naysayers who want me to keep my money out of Virginia’s pockets! Hah!
I don’t know who you guys are, but you could be clones of my husband and me. I love it. Brian put this on his Facebook and I told him you guys are saving the world from a second generation of “Parkerization” one blog at a time. I’ve been stunned at the way Virginia lawmakers are knifing our wineries in the back. They’re cutting off revenue to the state, so doing themselves in at the same time! Oh, yeah, that Barrel Oak is a real nightclub, alright… all that pasta and Lady and the Tramp action with the whole family movie night gig… totally a cover-up. And I’m sure as soon as I walked away from the folk singer, she pulled out a black leather mini and a back-up band. How dare the Roeders try to do good in a rural Virginia community! It’s a communist plot I’m sure… lightly veiled scheme to bring down the man… and now between Fairfax County stalking Paradise Springs and the issues the Marterella folks are dealing with, it just seems like Virginia is hell bent on making sure wine isn’t a welcomed agricultural effort here. Jefferson would be SO ticked off… so, you know, maybe we should just go back to the old fashioned way and grow the crop that our state USED to be best known for: Tobacco. Will that make the lawmakers happy? I’m just waiting for the “no sipping” signs to be posted along the Rt 66 corridor… can’t buy wine by the glass? Okay… so at Farmer’s market suppose I want to buy just ONE apple that was machine-picked. Is that acceptable? Maybe, as long as there’s no one playing a guitar or taking donations for a charity in the background because that would make it a nightclub. Thank you for what you’re doing here. As much as I love the peace I find at local wineries, if I have to stand up and scream like a mom trying to find 5 minutes of quiet time, I will. Lawmakers need to leave my peace alone.
I’m totally stoked you guys found us (and even more stoked you like us)! There were a few points, writing this post, where I sat back and wondered, “too much?” After all, the goal was to be a light, fun, snarky wineblog, not something about the politics of local food. But, the crap about BOW had me considering a post like this, and then when Judge “Noah Frickin’ Webster Isn’t a Lawyer, Jackass” Parker’s ruling came to light… have you seen Network? Is it any surprise that I love the scene where everyone runs to the window and yells “Hey! I’m mad as hell, and I’m NOT gonna take it anymore!”?
Here’s the bottom line: we’ve seen the joys that the bastards of pure corporate domination have brought, from E. coli- infected vegetables, to mad cow disease, to, well, Wal-Mart. Virginia wine is living proof that quality agricultural products can be produced locally and put right into the hands of consumers, and these consumers can actually develop honest to God relationships with the producers. If we can do this with a luxury product, imagine what’s possible with food, if we work a little harder. We NEED to impress upon our legislators that small producers need not be held to the same restrictions as mega-agribusiness, because 99% of the small producers care about the product and the consumer. The big boys only care about the next quarter’s results (which is why I left the corporate world and will never return).
Exactly. The Washington Post had an article today that talked about knowing where your food comes from. There was a picture of an egg labeled “Laura.” That’s the hen at Whitmore Farm who layed it. When I drink my Virginia wine, I can asked “Is this made from estate grapes? It’s a blend? What vineyard supplies your merlot?” and get the answer straight up. Some of the wines are even labeled with the vineyard where the grapes were grown. Call me crazy, but I like that. I really… really like that. I love driving out to Pearmund and seeing those Meriweather Chardonnay clusters on the vine and knowing that’s what’s in the glass. I can talk to the guys who are tending those grapes and then find out what day they were crushed and what yeast was added and which barrel it sat in and for how long. It’s about as corporate as watching my grandmother make chicken pot pie as she explains to me which chickens she chose and why and then rolls the dough out by hand. The definition of agriculture is: The science, art, and business of cultivating soil, producing crops, and raising livestock; farming. If that’s not winemaking in Virginia, I don’t know what is. You’ll notice the word “business” is included in there. It’s allowed. Wine is a living breathing thing. It should be respected as such. Perhaps our local lawmakers are beer drinkers.
I think our lawmakers operate under the traditional idea that agriculture and industry are something that happens “over there somewhere.” Why would any interaction between producer and consumer ever be desirable? We NEED a multi-tier distribution system, otherwise how are we going to keep untalented middle managers employed? My god, if people needed SKILLS, we’d die! God knows our legislators couldn’t survive…
I hate when those who create value are restricted by those incapable of doing so. Some people really do belong to Douglas Adams’ Golgafrincham Ark Fleet Ship B.
My husband and I have been visiting VA wineries over the past several years and Marterella Winery was the only winery I ever visited where I thought to myself, “I’d love to work here”. So I asked Kate if she needed help and she was gracious enough to let me work at her winery.
The interesting part is we had just visited Mediterranean Cellars and literally drove directly across the street to Marterella. Did she grow her winery on the wrong side of the street? Is there some rule about that – as I still can’t understand how one winery in the same HOA can operate while another one is shut down??
You can tell most winery owners in Virginia genuinely love what they do and are involved in the day to day decisions and operation of their wineries and Marterella is no exception.
It would be a real shame to see such beautiful venues shut down as there simply is no better place (in my opinion) to relax and enjoy my husband, my kids, my friends and yes, even my dog. I can’t think of one bar or night club where my children and dog would be allowed, can you?
Thank you for writing about this and helping people become more aware of what’s going on out there.
And I agree, visit Marterella Winery and see for yourself what a great place it is to grab some brick oven pizza, some great wine and be amongst friends.
Kate- the title of this post has had unintended consequences. WordPress tells us what search terms people used to find our blog; you would be shocked at the number of folks who got here via a search for “fat white butt.” Hey, who am I to judge?
Anyhow, I’m sorry to hear that it’s going badly. Hopefully there’s a turning point ahead, because we’d hate to lose Marterella.